THE DIET OF MY DREAMS



Some time ago my doctor told me to do something about my cholesterol or I'd be a dead man. Well, maybe he used different words, but that was the message I got-- a dead man. Now there is something about death that really scares me, namely dying. So I made up my mind at once to start eating healthy. Also eating little, so as to lose weight before rather than after the eulogy.

My last meal was at McDonald's where I had two BigMacs, a large fries with onion rings on the side, and a strawberry shake. Plus apple pie for dessert. With the last bite I realized that I would never again eat real food. My entire gourmet past flashed before my eyes. Images of pizzas, tamales and gyros I had once eaten, floated through my mind. The sound of sizzling sausage came back to me. I could smell buttered popcorn. My sense of loss was overwhelming.

The next day was B-day, with the B standing for Beans, Bran or Broccoli; take your pick. I tried to make the best of a bad thing and see my ordeal as a chance to discover the hidden, subtle taste of food. But it was no good, the hidden taste could not be found. It was not in the carrots, nor in the tofu. Everything was blah, and adding Worcester sauce didn't help. It just changed blah to salty blah.

In the end though, after three months, my suffering paid off. I have lost twenty-five pounds, and regained the figure of a teenager. My snoring has stopped and my hair is growing back. My chances of a heart attack have gone down by 46%, of a stroke by 52%. I laugh at constipation, and my blood pressure is eighty over fifty. My teeth are white again, and that youthful spring is back in my step. Young women whistle at me in the streets -- so why am I not happy?

I'll tell you why I'm not happy. It's those terrible dreams. I have them every night. I hear sirens, and then I see the fire trucks racing by. There is a red glow in the sky. I get into my car and drive toward it. Coming closer, I see the fire. Giant flames shoot up in the sky between the Golden Arches. They crumble and fall down in a shower of sparks: McDonald's is burning! Thousands of hamburgers have perished and the streets run red with tomato ketchup.

I wake up crying. My doctor tells me to stop worrying about it. You'll get used to things, he says, life on a diet can still be sweet. But stay away from sugar.

At Random - Adrian Korpel