ONE HAND CLAPPING


by Adrian Korpel


After the divorce, even the dog belonged to his wife. Not that she had ever liked the dog -- in fact she had always hated him and his slobbering cheerfulness -- but she'd wanted to make sure that her husband felt real loss. And she had been right: he missed the dog, he missed talking to him, missed stroking the big, woolly head on his lap.

To find consolation he went to a support group for divorced people, but the men were more depressed than he, and the women more bitter than his ex-wife. They would all sit in a circle and sip juice from little cardboard cups. Later they'd step forward one by one, and tell their life stories which were depressingly generic and full of grievances against their loved ones.

Once in a while a speaker would visit them, and explain about guilt or co- dependency and the twelve steps to tranquility. For a brief time this provided some hope and cheer, and sometimes it led to an animated discussion about their parents or siblings. On the whole, though, the atmosphere was sorrowful.

Then, one day he met Loraine. She was an invited speaker, who lectured about the way of Zen, and how it would lead to inner peace and a holistic understanding of the universe. To make that happen, you had to shake up your mind, she said. For example, by thinking about impossible things like the smell of music or the sound of one hand clapping, your mind would transcend the false reality of the world and you'd be happy. He didn't really believe that, but Loraine was young and pretty and worth a conversion. He started reading up on Zen to impress her, and pretty soon she took him on as a pupil Her methods were harsh in the beginning -- she used to poke him with a sharp stick if he gave a dumb answer -- but things improved quickly and he was allowed to shave his head and wear a saffron robe. Then she made him sit at her feet, and next took his head in her lap and stroked his stubble. One day, after much meditation on the Godhead, they disrobed and achieved satori together. He was happier than he had ever been with his dog, and for the first time in his life, he experienced the smell of music.

For an entire summer he lived in a holistic heaven, a golden nirwana of incense and flowers and the sweet whisper of mantras. But then something happened that he could never explain afterwards. He started to think of his dog again, and in furtive dreams he would eat cheeseburgers. He watched TV on the sly, and began to lose the smell of music. The end came when one night, on reaching satori with Loraine, he heard the sound of two hands clapping.