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RUNNING FOR MY LIFE AT THE DOW-JONES RATE.
What Happened, Once Upon a Midnight Dreary
The other day I was running for my life on the treadmill at the
University's cardiac rehab center (called CHAMPS, in defiance of
decrepitude and death, presumably). Getting bored, I began to watch
the giant TV set, put there to soothe scared patients. Usually nothing
much is going on; they won't let us watch soap operas and the news
is always dull -- it may be censored by cardiologists for all I know.
But that Monday the censor must have slipped up.
I noticed increasing excitement on the screen. The announcers'
voices acquired real gravity as they referred to " the American
people" who shouldn't panic, "because the underlying fundamentals
are sound." As it turned out, they were talking about a decline in the
stock market. Of course I did start to panic, because my hope of a
golden retirement, spent in snugly acquiring wisdom, is tied up with
the Dow-Jones.
The first reported decline was only about one percent, which the
news reader playfully called a "tumble." This was followed quickly
by more scary words like plummet, plunge, free fall, meltdown and
carnage. When the market was down 7%, we had graduated to "blood
bath." All the time I was idly wondering what words newscasters
would come up with for something serious, like the country going
bankrupt, say, or an asteroid hitting Wall Street. Then it struck me
that this was serious. A quick calculation showed that at four
percent my planned trip around the world had been wiped out, five
percent finished off the substitute trip to Florida, at six percent I
was planning a quiet vacation at home, and at seven percent I
wondered what home that would be.
On top of all this, the pulse rate monitor on my wrist fell to zero
-- I don't know why. The physiotherapist said its battery was dead,
but I thought maybe it had sensed impending doom. I kept working
the treadmill though, because if I have to go, I prefer heroism. "Doing
what he had to do to the end -- what a guy!" I count on people saying.
Throughout this episode, the newscasters had been babbling on,
and when I turned to the TV again, they were interviewing Wall
Street gurus. One of these said that the market was really down, and
the other one that maybe it would go up again. And what do you know,
it really did. At the end of the next day, I had my house back and was
thinking Florida. The day after that Florida was off again, but at
present it looks like maybe I can spend a long weekend in Des Moines.
If my heart rate stays up, that is.
At Random - Adrian Korpel
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U n i v e r s i t y ' s c a r d i a c r e h a b c e n t e r ( c a l l e d C H A M P S , i n d e f i a n c e o f
d e c r e p i t u d e a n d d e a t h , p r e s u m a b l y ) . G e t t i n g b o r e d , I b e g a n t o w a t c h
t h e g i a n t T V s e t , p u t t h e r e t o s o o t h e s c a r e d p a t i e n t s . U s u a l l y n o t h i n g
m u c h i s g o i n g o n ; t h e y w o n ' t l e t u s w a t c h s o a p o p e r a s a n d t h e n e w s
i s a l w a y s d u l l - - i t m a y b e c e n s o r e d b y c a r d i o l o g i s t s f o r a l l I k n o w .
B u t t h a t M o n d a y t h e c e n s o r m u s t h a v e s l i p p e d u p .
< B R > < B R >
I n o t i c e d i n c r e a s i n g e x c i t e m e n t o n t h e s c r e e n . T h e a n n o u n c e r s '
v o i c e s a c q u i r e d r e a l g r a v i t y a s t h e y r e f e r r e d t o " t h e A m e r i c a n
p e o p l e " w h o s h o u l d n ' t p a n i c , " b e c a u s e t h e u n d e r l y i n g f u n d a m e n t a l s
a r e s o u n d . " A s i t t u r n e d o u t , t h e y w e r e t a l k i n g a b o u t a d e c l i n e i n t h e
s t o c k m a r k e t . O f c o u r s e I d i d s t a r t t o p a n i c , b e c a u s e m y h o p e o f a
g o l d e n r e t i r e m e n t , s p e n t i n s n u g l y a c q u i r i n g w i s d o m , i s t i e d u p w i t h
t h e D o w - J o n e s .
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T h e f i r s t r e p o r t e d d e c l i n e w a s o n l y a b o u t o n e p e r c e n t , w h i c h t h e
n e w s r e a d e r p l a y f u l l y c a l l e d a " t u m b l e . " T h i s w a s f o l l o w e d q u i c k l y
b y m o r e s c a r y w o r d s l i k e p l u m m e t , p l u n g e , f r e e f a l l , m e l t d o w n a n d
c a r n a g e . W h e n t h e m a r k e t w a s d o w n 7 % , w e h a d g r a d u a t e d t o " b l o o d
b a t h . " A l l t h e t i m e I w a s i d l y w o n d e r i n g w h a t w o r d s n e w s c a s t e r s
w o u l d c o m e u p w i t h f o r s o m e t h i n g s e r i o u s , l i k e t h e c o u n t r y g o i n g
b a n k r u p t , s a y , o r a n a s t e r o i d h i t t i n g W a l l S t r e e t . T h e n i t s t r u c k m e
t h a t t h i s w a s s e r i o u s . A q u i c k c a l c u l a t i o n s h o w e d t h a t a t f o u r
p e r c e n t m y p l a n n e d t r i p a r o u n d t h e w o r l d h a d b e e n w i p e d o u t , f i v e
p e r c e n t f i n i s h e d o f f t h e s u b s t i t u t e t r i p t o F l o r i d a , a t s i x p e r c e n t I
w a s p l a n n i n g a q u i e t v a c a t i o n a t h o m e , a n d a t s e v e n p e r c e n t I
w o n d e r e d w h a t h o m e t h a t w o u l d b e .
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O n t o p o f a l l t h i s , t h e p u l s e # 0 P / =!"#$% R u n n i n g F o r M y L i f e A t T h e D o w - J o n e s R a t e S A N T A C L A U S I S O K A Y B U T S T . N I C H O L A S I S T H E R E A L T H I N G S a n t a C l a u s I s O k a y B u t S t . N i c h o l a s i s t h e R e a l T h i n g T h i s y e a r , o n D e c e m b e r 6 , I c e l e b r a t e d S t . N i c h o l a s d a y . I t ' s a
d i g n i f i e d c e l e b r a t i o n I h a v e t r i e d t o i m p o r t f r o m m y n a t i v e H o l l a n d
f o r f o u r d e c a d e s , b u t S a n t a C l a u s e a n j o l l i t y a l w a y s d e f e a t e d m e .
T h i s t i m e I f i n a l l y b r o u g h t i t o f f , w i t h m y w h o l e f a m i l y p a r t i c i p a t i n g ,
i n c l u d i n g t h e s i x g r a n d c h i l d r e n .
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S t . N i c h o l a s - - i n c o n t r a s t t o S a n t a C l a u s , h i s j o v i a l , b a c k - s l a p p i n g ,
h o - h o - h o c o u s i n - - i s a s t a t e l y b i s h o p w i t h s t r o n g C a l v i n i s t
l e a n i n g s . D r e s s e d i n f u l l b i s h o p r e g a l i a o f m i t e r , m a n t l e a n d s t a f f ,
h e r i d e s t h e h o u s e t o p s o n a w h i t e c h a r g e r , o n h i s w a y t o m e t e o u t
p u n i s h m e n t s a n d r e w a r d s t o l i t t l e c h i l d r e n . W h e n I w a s a k i d , h e
w o u l d c o m e t o o u r s c h o o l t o r e a d o u r m i s d e e d s f r o m a b i g r e d b o o k
w i t h g o l d l e t t e r s . W e a l l s a n g " W e l c o m e , w e l c o m e S t . N i c h o l a s . . . , "
w h e n h e e n t e r e d t h e c l a s s r o o m , b u t o u r h e a r t w a s n o t i n i t . M a y b e
b e c a u s e w e f e a r e d h i s M o o r i s h h e l p e r , B l a c k P e t e r - - n o w a b o u t t o f a l l v i c t i m
t o p o l i t i c a l c o r r e c t n e s s , I h e a r - - w h o c a r r i e d a b i g s a c k f o r t a k i n g n a u g h t y
c h i l d r e n t o S p a i n . W h y t o S p a i n w a s n e v e r e n t i r e l y c l e a r t o m e , I g u e s s i t
h a s t o d o w i t h t h e e i g h t y - y e a r D u t c h w a r o f i n d e p e n d e n c e t h a t m a d e t h e S p a n i s h
d e c i d e d l y u n l o v e d .
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L a t e r , w h e n I w a s i n c o l l e g e , a f e l l o w s t u d e n t a n d I w o u l d d r e s s u p
a s S t . N i c h o l a s a n d B l a c k P e t e r , a n d g o d o o r - t o - d o o r t o o f f e r o u r
s e r v i c e s t o p a r e n t s . T h e y ' d i n v i t e u s i n t o r e a d t h e c h i l d r e n ' s c r i m i n a l f i l e
t o t h e m , a n d w h e n t h a t w a s o v e r , w e r e t i r e d t o t h e k i t c h e n t o c o l l e c t o u r f e e
p l u s a g l a s s o f D u t c h g i n . T h e n w e w e n t o n o u r w a y t o t h e n e x t c u s t o m e r , t h e
w a y b e c o m i n g l e s s a n d l e s s s t e a d y a s t h e n i g h t w o r e o n . O f t e n w e ' d m e e t
a n o t h e r S t - N i c h o l a s a n d h i s h e l p e r . T h i s s o m e t i m e s r e s u l t e d i n g i n - b l u r r e d
f i g h t s f o r t e r r i t o r y a t w h i c h t h e s a i n t s l a i d a b o u t m i g h t i l y w i t h t h e i r g o l d e n
s t a f f s .
< B R > < B R >
F o r a d u l t s t h e c u s t o m i s t o e x c h a n g e p r e s e n t s a t n i g h t w h e n t h e
c h i l d r e n h a v e g o n e t o b e d . G i f t s a r e s u p p o s e d t o c o m e f r o m S t .
N i c h o l a s a n d s h o u l d b e a r a r h y m e d m e s s a g e h u m o r o u s l y e x p o s i n g t h e
r e c i p i e n t ' s c h a r a c t e r f l a w s . S o o n S t . N i c h o l a s d a y , H o l l a n d i s a w a s h
i n c r i t i c a l p o e m s w i t h l i m p i n g m e t e r a n d c r i p p l e d r h y m e . A t o u r
r e c e n t g a t h e r i n g t h e p o e t r y w a s o f p o o r q u a l i t y t h o u g h . O n l y m y s o n - i n - l a w ,
C l i f , a n e n g i n e e r l i k e m y s e l f , h a d c o m e u p w i t h t r u l y u g l y s t u f f . H i s
g o r g e o u s , h a l t i n g a n d s p u t t e r i n g S t . N i c h o l a s p o e t r y w a s a f e a s t f o r t h e e a r .
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O n e p e r s o n w a s m i s s i n g a t o u r c e l e b r a t i o n , S t . N i c h o l a s h i m s e l f . T h e
c h i l d r e n d i d n ' t p a r t i c u l a r l y c a r e , b u t I w i l l r e c t i f y t h a t s i t u a t i o n
n e x t y e a r . I f I c a n o n l y r e n t a b i s h o p s o m e w h e r e .
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- - I d o n ' t k n o w w h y . T h e p h y s i o t h e r a p i s t s a i d i t s b a t t e r y w a s d e a d ,
b u t I t h o u g h t m a y b e i t h a d s e n s e d i m p e n d i n g d o o m . I k e p t w o r k i n g
t h e t r e a d m i l l t h o u g h , b e c a u s e i f I h a v e t o g o , I p r e f e r h e r o i s m . " D o i n g
w h a t h e h a d t o d o t o t h e e n d - - w h a t a g u y ! " I c o u n t o n p e o p l e s a y i n g .
< B R > < B R >
T h r o u g h o u t t h i s e p i s o d e , t h e n e w s c a s t e r s h a d b e e n b a b b l i n g o n ,
a n d w h e n I t u r n e d t o t h e T V a g a i n , t h e y w e r e i n t e r v i e w i n g W a l l
S t r e e t g u r u s . O n e o f t h e s e s a i d t h a t t h e m a r k e t w a s r e a l l y d o w n , a n d
t h e o t h e r o n e t h a t m a y b e i t w o u l d g o u p a g a i n . A n d w h a t d o y o u k n o w ,
i t r e a l l y d i d . A t t h e e n d o f t h e n e x t d a y , I h a d m y h o u s e b a c k a n d w a s
t h i n k i n g F l o r i d a . T h e d a y a f t e r t h a t F l o r i d a w a s o f f a g a i n , b u t a t
p r e s e n t i t l o o k s l i k e m a y b e I c a n s p e n d a l o n g w e e k e n d i n D e s M o i n e s .
I f m y h e a r t r a t e s t a y s u p , t h a t i s .
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U n i v e r s i t y ' s c a r d i a c r e h a b c e n t e r ( c a l l e d C H A M P S , i n d e f i a n c e o f
d e c r e p i t u d e a n d d e a t h , p r e s u m a b l y ) . G e t t i n g b o r e d , I b e g a n t o w a t c h
t h e g i a n t T V s e t , p u t t h e r e t o s o o t h e s c a r e d p a t i e n t s . U s u a l l y n o t h i n g
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I n o t i c e d i n c r e a s i n g e x c i t e m e n t o n t h e s c r e e n . T h e a n n o u n c e r s '
v o i c e s a c q u i r e d r e a l g r a v i t y a s t h e y r e f e r r e d t o " t h e A m e r i c a n
p e o p l e " w h o s h o u l d n ' t p a n i c , " b e c a u s e t h e u n d e r l y i n g f u n d a m e n t a l s
a r e s o u n d . " A s i t t u r n e d o u t , t h e y w e r e t a l k i n g a b o u t a d e c l i n e i n t h e
s t o c k m a r k e t . O f c o u r s e I d i d s t a r t t o p a n i c , b e c a u s e m y h o p e o f a
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t h e D o w - J o n e s .
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T h e f i r s t r e p o r t e d d e c l i n e w a s o n l y a b o u t o n e p e r c e n t , w h i c h t h e
n e w s r e a d e r p l a y f u l l y c a l l e d a " t u m b l e . " T h i s w a s f o l l o w e d q u i c k l y
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c a r n a g e . W h e n t h e m a r k e t w a s d o w n 7 % , w e h a d g r a d u a t e d t o " b l o o d
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w o u l d c o m e u p w i t h f o r s o m e t h i n g s e r i o u s , l i k e t h e c o u n t r y g o i n g
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