After the divorce, even the dog belonged to his wife. Not that she had ever
liked the dog -- in fact she had always hated him and his slobbering
cheerfulness -- but she'd wanted to make sure that her husband felt real
loss. And she had been right: he missed the dog, he missed talking to him,
missed stroking the big, woolly head on his lap.
To find consolation he went to a support group for divorced people, but the
men were more depressed than he, and the women more bitter than his ex-wife.
They would all sit in a circle and sip juice from little cardboard cups. Later
they'd step forward one by one, and tell their life stories which were
depressingly generic and full of grievances against their loved ones.
Once in a while a speaker would visit them, and explain about guilt or co-
dependency and the twelve steps to tranquility. For a brief time this provided
some hope and cheer, and sometimes it led to an animated discussion about
their parents or siblings. On the whole, though, the atmosphere was
sorrowful.
Then, one day he met Loraine. She was an invited speaker, who lectured about
the way of Zen, and how it would lead to inner peace and a holistic
understanding of the universe. To make that happen, you had to shake up your
mind, she said. For example, by thinking about impossible things like the
smell of music or the sound of one hand clapping, your mind would transcend
the false reality of the world and you'd be happy. He didn't really believe
that, but Loraine was young and pretty and worth a conversion. He started
reading up on Zen to impress her, and pretty soon she took him on as a pupil
Her methods were harsh in the beginning -- she used to poke him with a sharp
stick if he gave a dumb answer -- but things improved quickly and he was
allowed to shave his head and wear a saffron robe. Then she made him sit at
her feet, and next took his head in her lap and stroked his stubble. One day,
after much meditation on the Godhead, they disrobed and achieved satori
together. He was happier than he had ever been with his dog, and for the first
time in his life, he experienced the smell of music.
For an entire summer he lived in a holistic heaven, a golden nirwana of
incense and flowers and the sweet whisper of mantras. But then something
happened that he could never explain afterwards. He started to think of his
dog again, and in furtive dreams he would eat cheeseburgers. He watched TV on
the sly, and began to lose the smell of music. The end came when one night,
on reaching satori with Loraine, he heard the sound of two hands clapping.