FRIENDLY ALIENS ABOUT TO LAND AMID THE SAGUAROS
Having temporarily fled the Iowa arctic for the Arizona desert, I
am writing this from a laundromat in a charming town called
Carefree, twenty miles north of Phoenix. A great many saguora cacti,
waving their multiple arms, can be seen through the windows above
the row of front-loader washers that are tumbling my laundry. In the
distance, under a stark blue sky, is the stony hill that I went up
yesterday to view yet more saguoras. I have to stop this cactus
frenzy, though. The climb did not add anything to my cactus lore, and
gave me agonizing leg cramps later on. The trouble is that in this
land without freezing rain I feel too good, and overtax my poor,
midwestern body.
I came here the long way round from Iowa, going south quickly and
then west leisurely, following the Gulf coast wherever I could. Many hair
-raising adventures -- tornadoes, crocodiles, real bad motels --
befell the intrepid traveler as they used to say in Victorian novels. I
hope to tell you the whole nail-biting story at some later time. For
now I just want to give you the latest from Phoenix. Namely how
aliens are taking over our earth, starting close to where I am
writing.
It turns out that one year ago, on March 13, five mysterious flares
descended upon Phoenix from the night sky. The Air National Guard
says they're responsible for that, but we all know how the
Government is always lying to us. Scientific analysis by an ex-rock
musician turned UFO expert, has definitely shown the lights to be of
alien origin. A national-brand canned meat magnate is financing the
research for two million dollars, a local politician is running on the
alien ticket, and all manner of academics have waxed academically
on the matter.
I arrived just before the anniversary of the event, in time to be on
hand in case the aliens came back. One newspaper interviewed a
couple who had been watching the sky for a whole year, three hours
every night. They hadn't seen anything, but their time had not been
wasted. The husband said that, deprived of TV, he and his wife had
grown more passionate, whereupon the wife told him to bite his
tongue. I always knew aliens were friendly, and now It seems I was
right: they're pushing love, even in absentia.
Anyway, you will see that I am not just drinking Margaritas and
lolling in the shade of the saguaros. No, I know what my readers
expect, and I'm keeping a sharp eye out for national trends. Provided
they're decent. Which explains why I'm writing about Phoenix instead
of, say, Washington DC. Who needs sex when you can have aliens?
At Random - Adrian Korpel
